it seems worse than it is (a haiku)

I can't get a job
it's a fucking recession
bankers tending bar

that was a haiku btw

it's going to be okay
it's going to be okay
it's going to be okay
it's going to be okay


exhale
sigh

i'm sleeping on somebody else's bedroom floor. it's not too bad. nobody can find a job. warren gave me bananas. i came last at scrabble

i'm going to get a degree
i'm going to write the novel
but first
i need a job :(

what i did on the weekend

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rJZficYI2d8

it's heavy
death in my belly
and this is when your words sting

the sky from on top

go slowly.

i want to remember the feelings

i'm sad because i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't know what i thought i want ed but i guess now i know. i want someone who i can think about all day and who will be nice to me. i'm so tired of the solitary nature of my life. i feel exhausted, but i now know i have to not see simon again. or i am going to spend the next ten months hoping he'll want to be my boyfriend. and i don't have enough self esteem to try and trick him into it. and it's such a shame. there was a point where it changed, must have been something i did. i'm so sad about it. a tiny broken off piece of my heart. he's a good man and he was nice to me. what happened? so. time to find somebody new. because that's what i want. i just feel so empty. he doesn't know what he's given away, i was going to be so good to him. his nice face. this is when i cry a bit.

because there's nothing i can do.

we move like caged tigers

my body aches and i'm exhausted. i don't want to go back to london. i don't know where i want to go.
i miss that stupid boy that i am not supposed to miss because he doesn't want me to.

everything in it's right place

i saw radiohead last night.
it was the smartest thing i ever did.


still in barcelona, i got sunburned badly. rookie mistake.

i need some fuckin breakfast, man.


just wait till you see the pics.

farringdon has nice proportions

practicalities

my teeth hurt.

i'm going to have to stop drinking coca cola. it's going to be hard.


i'll restrict myself to one can a day at work. lol. here it begins.


monday:
Food&Wine £2.50

tuesday:
Mediterranean Wrap and can of coke £5
38 bus 90p

wednesday:
Groceries in somerfield £13
38 bus 90p

thursday:
Pret £4.25
Royal George (drinks) £15
Kebab that tasted like ASS £4.10

friday:
schengen visa £141
Groceries in tesco £11
Drinks in shutt's and the arts £15

saturday
somerfield £4

sunday
Food&wine £1.50


i spent £222 last week.

income: significantly less

evens

i'm levelling out.


levelled out

everything is going to be ok :)



alcohol is a depressant.
alcohol is a depressant booze, gotta focus.




too much



candi is in town. it's fun. but hard on my brain and wallet

double edged

anxiety:
it's fucking ups and downs, my whole life. you wish for stability. not even happiness. this down is inevitable, i've been so up. anyway. it's hard. i feel ill. grimace. anxiety. heavy thoughts.

my stomach is in tune with what the universe is throwing my way.

so i feel a bit sick. and scared.

nausea and fear. this is what's going on.

i have money problems. ie i don't have enough. becaus ei spent a lot yesterday. and now i feel guilty. and i'm berating myself for being such a weak, weak person.

and i have a bad feeling

is it because of my mouth herpes? it's more likely to be my personality.

i need to stop talking myself down like this. it's making things worse

but when the clouds are grey
it's kinda hard.

also i saw a mouse in my bedroom.

sigh. sigh. sigh. bites nails.

:(


anxiety is my boyfriend. i should just embrace it.

except its kinda crippling

european monsoon

we're apparently having one. that's what the weather is. i think i understand.
i want to go swimming, i want to go swimming so bad.
so, so bad.


dear diary,
today i went to st. james park with simon. he's a nice australian boy i know. :)
we drank beer and watched squirrels and ate some cashews and crisps and made out.
i'll write more later!! got to go!!
love, lexy
xxx

PS: girlfriend in a coma by coupland. done.






PPS: living well is the best revenge...

hallelujah

i have nothing to say.

i love books

this is not a book review

i love reading. i love feeling things

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
i want to scream with feelings
i have too much emotion, i get too overwhelmed by experience

i'm trying to fill my life with people who UNDERSTAND
so that i don't have to EXPLAIN

new stipe in my ears and new coupland in my eyes is sometimes all i need in life.





i wish i knew what to do with all this. in my gut. sreaming shouting aaaaaaaaaaaaaah you don't UNDERSTAND. hyper up up up up up down the new up up up up UP
how could you?

disabled man on the tube at king's cross today

Why do you grimace so?
Must you grimace so?

Twisted distorted face. Mangled by lifelong deformity

the forced, pained expression of social anguish. Concern.

You're a cripple, let's all go to the freak show, hurrah!


Spidery crawl down subway halls

your limbs are too long, not long enough, misshapen.

Skin chafing muscles straining
unnatural walk

I wish I remained unaware of you.


Why are you so unashamed? This affliction should shame you.

behind closed doors,
hushed tones and whispers and remorse

definitely shame.

Instead you flaunt.
Go on about your business as if you can.

i'm not fucking around anymore

my kinda love is an ugly love, but it's real and it lasts a long time.

seeing as i know you read this now, thanks for the eels. because. :)

LIST:
sunshine (green grass, shady trees)
small animals (kittens etc
coca cola
hugging
melted cheese (especially with pasta)
people giving up seats on the tube
a brand new good book
cracking it's spine
stretching
laughter
new shoes
twinkly lights/moonlight/coloured lights/candelight
swimming pools.
somebody laughing at your jokes
making out on a sofa
unexpected letters/phone calls/visits
perfect sounds
new underwear
photos (esp old ones you'd forgotten about)
the end of long absences
sunrise/sunset
michael stipe.
a warm bed in winter
nostalgia/shared history
other people
getting exactly what you want
taking off sunglasses and being blinded by the sunlight
funfairs/waterparks/slides/rides
being quiet
the end of a long journey
falling asleep on a plane
plane tickets
gig tickets
face hurts from smiling
large bodies of water
ice lollies
understanding something hard
cats
going home
leaving home
dancing outside
beign proud of someone you love
falling asleep

three miles of bad road

i feel sick
i feel sick
i feel sick
i feel sick


isn't it lovely weather though?
today is my visa appointment. it's all such an injustice.

i had a good weekend.

black umbrellas

black umbrellas should be banned.

because if it's raining, the day is gloomy enough. a sea of brightly coloured umbrellas would be a treat. just saying.